so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
