it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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