I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
