HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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