I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
