Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
