Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
