If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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