Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
