I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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