I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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