Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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