I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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