I am spending my child support on dildos
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
