I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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