The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
