I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
