Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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