I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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