i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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