and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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