you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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