you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
