Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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