i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
