I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
