You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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