i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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