My friends, they love my intelligence
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
