I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
