I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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