So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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