Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
