there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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