absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
