i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
