i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
