I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
