im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
