The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize