Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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