she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Is Oprah even human
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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