the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
