So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
