he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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