My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
