Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize