I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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