I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I still have a little drunk in my system
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
