im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
