drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
