you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
