I faked an abortion last night.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
