pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
