The best revenge is premature balding
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
