i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think your dad took our porno
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
