I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You have to summon your inner elephant
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
