I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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