Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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