Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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