the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
