I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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